My heart is heavy with sorrow right now so I'll have to work at this page and featured sections over the coming months / years..
Right now the important facts are :
We lost all four of our beautiful furbabies, one by one, literally a month between each other this year.
Beany died 1st March 2019 after a sudden relapse of existing illness, he died peacefully in his sleep happy and quite literally surrounded by his fur-siblings. We (myself and Johnny) had been beside him all day and he was fine (a little sleepier than usual but it wasn't out of the norm for him during a bout of FIV flare-up).. we nipped indoors to finally grab a little food and some rest meaning to go back out at 2/3am but we overslept until 8am and as if by fate - were detained with orders to complete before we could make it back out to the cabin - finally getting there at 10am... to find our beauty had JUST passed (still vaguely warm - but ... firm).
Something that still haunts my thoughts - is that WHAT IF - ... what if we had woken up earlier, what if I had for once in my stupid plans thought NO sod the orders for a few hours, the cats need us first... (that IS my primary concern after all, but I'm so terrified of bloody eBay's complaints etc all the time) but would our beauty have had those final hours with us in our arms or would he simply have... panicked more with us beside him and not sought the comfort of his fur-sisters as he did in the end?
The worst feelings / flash backs of guilt I have are of earlier that day telling him off (not meanly.. just "mummy knows best" kind of thing) for not eating his food and instead going to flop across the sofa beside me with his paws outstretched like all he wanted to do with lay and hug :-(
Pumpkin couldn't cope emotionally without him and her health deteriorated - I would say "rapidly" but she held on for a month, putting up with us spoon feeding her, cleaning her eyes, clearing her nose as she developed a slight breathing issue ... and all the time was searching and crying out for Beany :'(. She passed 5th April 2019 in my arms in the small house (she was laying across her favourite board with furry material on it and I had my arms as much around her as possible. She panicked ever so slightly and had a mad five minutes of charging around the house as if saying "I REFUSE to leave without my Lil Smushy (beany)" but then laid down with her head on my hand and looked directly into my eyes saying it was time... if I could stay with her and show her how she had to ... go.
The cd player had been playing for some time - I wasn't really paying much attention but suddenly it seemed to "seep into my ears" and I heard the words - in disbelief I mumbled (through slightly moist drippy snuffles) "could you hit replay on that song Johnny and come over here now - it's time?!"... It turned out to be Sophie Ellis Bextors "Shoot From The Hip" album and song "Nowhere Without You". Even months afterwards I hear this on my playlist and... I'm right back there holding on to our beautiful Pum-Leigh Panda and trying to send her images of peace, happiness, tranquility and how to find her Daddy-dog and Beany in the meadow just over Rainbow Bridge....
One of the hardest things I thought (at that point) that I'd ever have to face... was keeping a calm voice and steady breathing while bawling my eyes out - so that she wouldn't panic as she slipped into the pre-sleep on her journey where we couldn't follow. It was as though Pum waited for me to call Johnny over and for him to say a few words to her... moments later she used the last of her strength (gods know where that came from - as she couldn't have had much energy left)... to lift her head towards both of us in turn and blink ... to say her goodbye and thank yous.. She turned her head to face front again... then did an odd thing. She - while fully flat on her left side RAN (all four legs motioned at though she ran at top speed to meet someone who she'd not seen in such a long time - her little legs couldn't get her there fast enough.... ) then she was gone... We sat with out hands on her side for at least ten minutes before I said I had to go indoors... wanted the camera. :-(.
Chewie took the loss of Pum and Beany so close togeher the hardest... she couldn't bear the loss of so many family members as over the years she was the last one standing from Beary, Puppy and her (the first generation), then Wolfie and Pum came - Wolfie died in 2016... and now Beany and Pum leaving.. She loved Eggy but was never particularly CLOSE to her... Eggy loved from a distance - except with Pum. Chewie sent thoughts to me of yearning for more family to coach and... rely on. We struggled for